Happy days are here again! (Not really.)

Good day everyone. As you may have noticed from my Mummy review, I'm finally back in school. Now, for the most part, everything has been going okay. The first year I got all girls, and most of them are alright. Except for my English teacher. So you know what she did to me the first day of school? Of course you don't. She spoiled the ending of Breaking Dawn for me! Granted, she was lying about it, but you just don't tell someone how a terrific book ends and then lie about it! That really pissed me off, and she has made a powerful enemy.

As a startling contrast to my merely good looking or old as dirt educators, my Math teacher is smoking hot. I am not kidding, people. She looks a lot like a crush I had last year, just taller and with a better ass. This kind of thing don't happen often. Nice breasts, red hair, freckles, a great smile and a genuine laugh all made me look twice when I first saw her. And the clincher? Married. Not surprised in the slightest. She also might be a couple months pregnant, but it could be my inagination.

But anyway. So far, only thing major update about any updates to come is I got a job working the school library, so I can come in whenever I want. They got this idiotic daily system where grades are only allowed to go on a certain days, but with this, I should be able to get past that little rule.

I started a new chapter for Ask the Cast, hopefully explaining my absense, so if I do post it in the next few days, please read it so I don't have to explain myself further.

I don't have much more to say on this matter, so I'll leave it at that.

Hentai forever,
Kyouger.

Review of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Yes, I do aplogize for not posting in quite a while. Nothing has really been happening as of late, except for the fact that I go back to school next week. Actually, I suppose that is pretty big, since I'll have access to the two things that fuel my writing: boredom and computers. It will eventually depend on the teachers on how much I update, though. It's always a lottery when it comes to getting new teachers. You can either get a real grouch, or you could get an awesome one like Mr. Evans. That dude was awesome.

But anyway, onto the review. I will be explaining the movie all the way through, because I really don't think any of you really care that much about the movie to get on my case. It starts out with an opening exposition about how China's emperor got a bit power hungry and decided to take over. He is cursed by an old woman and becomes a clay statue, along with the rest of his soldiers. Jump forward to 1945, and Brendan Fraser is having a strained marriage with some divy bitch who to the best of my knowledge wasn't in any of the previous movies. I didn't really care, but my dad seemed to, so I suppose it's a big deal to Mummy fans.

Anyway, turns out that Brendan's son has dug up another mummy, only this one isn't alive just yet. It needs the jewel of deus-ex-machina to be revived. Of course, the old guy turns out to be a spy and they accidentally end up reviving him.

Alright, moment number 1 that makes no sense. Apparently, this ninja chick (who is the daughter of the woman who killed the emperor the first time) has this magic dagger which is the only thing that can kill the emperor. When his casket is open, the ninja chick jumps in and stabs a skeleton, which turns out to be a decoy. If he could be killed while he was still in stone, why didn't you kill him beforehand instead of waiting this long? I mean, you had to have known where the tomb was. And don't worry, there will be many more moments that make no sense to come.

After that, they have a car/horse and buggy chase through the streets of chinatown. Now, here I went to get some popcorn, so I missed a bit, but when I got back, the gang are all in the Himalayans for some odd reason. Oh wait, the emperor has to put the stone in a fixture to shine a light telling him where to go.

Along the way, my IQ dropped about 30 points after listening to Brendan's son attempt to act. This guy is one of the worst actors I've ever seen. He tries to put the moves on ninja girl, and comes up with some of the worst lines ever.

"No, the reason you don't like me is because you don't like a woman who can knock you on your back!"
"Hey, the expression is kick my ass!"

Dear god, someone put me out of my misery.

So Brendan and the gang set up a defense perimeter around the stone tablet thing. There is some witty banter between Brendan and his son about which gun is better, the Thompson or the German M-40. This was funny because I often get into gun arguments online on call of duty 4.

So the emperor and newly appointed general (he was the guy who revived him) launch a full-scale assault on the shrine where the tablet is. And that means it's time for the 2nd moment that makes no sense. So far, the emperor has shown control over fire, water and air. He seems fairly indestructible. Bullets only penetrate his clay shell, which covers up his molten insides. So why didn't he just attack in the first place? Instead, he wastes about 20 soldiers only to step in at the last second and totally bitch-slap them all to hell.

Before he does however, Ninja Girl summons three yeti (I know, just go with it) to assist them. These things actually look pretty cool. Like werepyres, only with shorter snouts and no wings. So after the emperor FINALLY steps in and decides to take charge, showing the way to Shangri-La. He also stabs Brendan, who was protecting his son who set off an avalanch with dynamite. Yeah, nice idea there, braniac. This triggers an avalanch, prompting the emperor to do a corny Star Wars ripoff before letting it fall.

Brendan is in mortal peril, so the yeti take him down to Shangri-La, where the woman who killed the emperor is waiting, and heals him. Soon enough, the emperor busts in and steps in the water, emerging as a 3 headed dragon.

We're already up to the 3rd moment that makes no sense. Why would the emperor transform into a western style fire breathing dragon? Wouldn't an eastern dragon have been more apropriate? Lemme provide a couple pictures for compairison.

Chinese:

Western:

So why would he go as a Western instead of a Chinese dragon? Fuck it, I don't care. Let's move on.

So the emperor kidnaps Ninja Girl for no adequately explained reason (I guess he wanted the dagger, but wouldn't it be easier to just take the dagger instead of taking the girl?) and returns to raise his army.

Brendan and the gang travel to the desert just in time to watch Jet Li at work. His son does the stupidest thing posibly and breaks into the camp to rescue Ninja Girl, leaving the old woman to raise the army of the dead from under the Great Wall.

It's time for moment number 4! I don't even think there is a desert anywhere near the Great Wall, yet the entire climactic takes place there. And what's more, shouldn't the emperor's army be inside the wall? Continuity errors are all over the place here.

Isn't it odd how one thing strings into another? It's already time for no-sense moment number 5! Everyone is constantly saying that the emperor's army must not be allowed to succeed or all will be lost. But seriously, this makes no sense! The emperor's army is made out of clay, and a single pistol shot will take one down! Plus, it only numbers about 2,000 to 10,000, depending on which shot you're looking at. That would be incredibly easy for even the smallest millitary in the world to defeat, much less China.

So the climactic battle is on, as the dead are fighting the dead! And here's where the idiocy really starts ramping up. Moment number 6 is huge. The emperor is supposed to have control over all elements, yet he only fights with a sword. He even gets into a battle with the old woman and fights her sword to sword. He has control over metal, for christ's sake! He could have turned it around and shoved it into her heart! Plus, he never seems to really help his troops all that much.

Right about now, I'm drooling on the floor from the mass amounts of stupid being shoved down my throat, so I don't remember much. But I certainally remember one of the stupidest moments of all, moment number 7!

Alright, so backup in the battle comes in the form of a B-17 or similar. The gunner (Who is Brendan's brother from the first two movies, but I couldn't give a shit right now) drops a bomb that lands on a Jeep being driven by the general. But later, he attacks Ninja Girl and Brendan's wife. What the fuck!? The Jeep clearly explodes into a flaming ball of nothingness, but yet the general manages to escape with only minor facial burns! Oh my god, I'm getting retarted just thinking about it.

Lemme wrap this up before I forget how to type. Brendan kills Jet Li and saves that day. Woo-ho. As a quick side note, why did Jet Li get top billing, anyway? He's only in the movie for like, 20 minutes. The rest of the time, he's in his clay/molten rock form. And the movie gets in one final joke as Brendan's brother says that he'll be going to Peru, along with the caption: "Soon after, many mummies were found in Peru." The only part of this movie that was actually brilliant was the ending line. Hoo-rah.

To sum it up, TOTDE is the worst of the mummy films. It's at least on par with Journey, which I have to imagine Brendan was filming at the same time to not know what kind of crap he was working with. I would never spend 40 bucks on this monstrosity, EVER!

It gets a 6 out of 10. An unforgettable experience, at least if you count mental scarring unforgettable.

Review of The Dark Knight (Finally...)

Yep, I finally managed to beat, stab and maul my way into the theater to catch The Dark Knight at around 3:00. First things first; I didn't see it IMAX. Our theater is not equipped to run 3d simulations, and personally, I don't think it would make much of a difference. 3d will not make a shit movie better, or a terrific movie even more terrific. With that said, let's get onto the review.

The movie starts out... you know what? I can't seem to remember how the movie started. Well, I know there was a bank heist my some men in clown masks, but after that I just lost track of whatever was happening. The first 15 or 30 minutes are pretty damn boring. After the Joker comes in though, things get a move on a little quicker.

The J man intimidates a bunch of criminals into financing him to kill the Batman. Later he makes a video telling the city that he will kill a bunch of people unless the Batman takes off his mask and turns himself in. And that's how the movie continues.

I'm not going to try to deny that Heath Ledger's death played a big part in promoting this movie. Not that the viral-marketing at last year's Comic-Con didn't do anything, either. But this movie was hyped on beyond belief. Way too much, if you ask me. Iron Man was announced, a trailer was shown and people got excited. That was it. Dark Knight led people all around San Deigo to find the date of release and a picture of the Joker. So I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this didn't fill a lot of people's expectations, simply because their expectations were too fucking high!

Anyway, on to individual segments of the movie. The acting by Christian Bale was very good, but I really didn't like his constant growling at criminals and stuff like that. If he's trying to disguise his voice, that's fair enough, I suppose. It still got on my nerves though. Most of the rest of the characters were solid actors, but the actor who really stole the show was Heath Ledger, and I got to say that he really did a fantastic job as the Joker. I don't think many people could have pulled off this psychopath easily. The makeup was especially good; I don't know who came up for the more grungy looking Joker, but whoever he is, he's a frigging genius. He seriously creeped me out, and I just might go as him for Halloween this year. Two-Face/Harvey Dent was also freaky, seeing as he had the entire left side of his face practically burnt off. Though it would have been a bit better to give him a split personality, like in the comics.

The actions scenes were very good and varied. Maybe it's because I was sitting right in front of the screen (unlike I normally do), but the editing seemed too fast-paced for me to follow very well. Still, every explosion in the book is in here, and weather you like your action on a train, on a plane, or in a high-speed car chase, it's all in here.

The plot is one of the only parts where this movie slumps a bit. It goes a little something like this: Joker threatens city, Batman tries to stop him, fails, Joker blows something up, and a new plotline opens. Repeat as necessary. The new plotlines are usually varied and unique, but it does slow down the movie a bit in between action sequences and long bouts of dialogue.

Another complaint I have is that the Joker just seems invincible. He intimidates the mob, stabs a guy through the eye with a pencil (Eraser side, by the way), escapes from the prison way too easy and takes enough cracks to the head to knock Rocky on his ass. The focus on the movie is how he manages to intimidate a city to the point of anarchy in the streets while wearing clown makeup. He also changes Harvey Dent's mind a bit too quickly.

But overall, for all of my incredibly small nitpicks and gripes, this was a terrific movie. Hell, you don't even need to know who Batman is to enjoy this movie. Great acting, action scenes, and one certified badass as the main villian make this a must-see.

I give it a 10 out of 10. It's going to be nigh on impossible for them to top this one with a sequel.

Hentai and comics forever,
Kyouger.