Review of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Yes, I do aplogize for not posting in quite a while. Nothing has really been happening as of late, except for the fact that I go back to school next week. Actually, I suppose that is pretty big, since I'll have access to the two things that fuel my writing: boredom and computers. It will eventually depend on the teachers on how much I update, though. It's always a lottery when it comes to getting new teachers. You can either get a real grouch, or you could get an awesome one like Mr. Evans. That dude was awesome.

But anyway, onto the review. I will be explaining the movie all the way through, because I really don't think any of you really care that much about the movie to get on my case. It starts out with an opening exposition about how China's emperor got a bit power hungry and decided to take over. He is cursed by an old woman and becomes a clay statue, along with the rest of his soldiers. Jump forward to 1945, and Brendan Fraser is having a strained marriage with some divy bitch who to the best of my knowledge wasn't in any of the previous movies. I didn't really care, but my dad seemed to, so I suppose it's a big deal to Mummy fans.

Anyway, turns out that Brendan's son has dug up another mummy, only this one isn't alive just yet. It needs the jewel of deus-ex-machina to be revived. Of course, the old guy turns out to be a spy and they accidentally end up reviving him.

Alright, moment number 1 that makes no sense. Apparently, this ninja chick (who is the daughter of the woman who killed the emperor the first time) has this magic dagger which is the only thing that can kill the emperor. When his casket is open, the ninja chick jumps in and stabs a skeleton, which turns out to be a decoy. If he could be killed while he was still in stone, why didn't you kill him beforehand instead of waiting this long? I mean, you had to have known where the tomb was. And don't worry, there will be many more moments that make no sense to come.

After that, they have a car/horse and buggy chase through the streets of chinatown. Now, here I went to get some popcorn, so I missed a bit, but when I got back, the gang are all in the Himalayans for some odd reason. Oh wait, the emperor has to put the stone in a fixture to shine a light telling him where to go.

Along the way, my IQ dropped about 30 points after listening to Brendan's son attempt to act. This guy is one of the worst actors I've ever seen. He tries to put the moves on ninja girl, and comes up with some of the worst lines ever.

"No, the reason you don't like me is because you don't like a woman who can knock you on your back!"
"Hey, the expression is kick my ass!"

Dear god, someone put me out of my misery.

So Brendan and the gang set up a defense perimeter around the stone tablet thing. There is some witty banter between Brendan and his son about which gun is better, the Thompson or the German M-40. This was funny because I often get into gun arguments online on call of duty 4.

So the emperor and newly appointed general (he was the guy who revived him) launch a full-scale assault on the shrine where the tablet is. And that means it's time for the 2nd moment that makes no sense. So far, the emperor has shown control over fire, water and air. He seems fairly indestructible. Bullets only penetrate his clay shell, which covers up his molten insides. So why didn't he just attack in the first place? Instead, he wastes about 20 soldiers only to step in at the last second and totally bitch-slap them all to hell.

Before he does however, Ninja Girl summons three yeti (I know, just go with it) to assist them. These things actually look pretty cool. Like werepyres, only with shorter snouts and no wings. So after the emperor FINALLY steps in and decides to take charge, showing the way to Shangri-La. He also stabs Brendan, who was protecting his son who set off an avalanch with dynamite. Yeah, nice idea there, braniac. This triggers an avalanch, prompting the emperor to do a corny Star Wars ripoff before letting it fall.

Brendan is in mortal peril, so the yeti take him down to Shangri-La, where the woman who killed the emperor is waiting, and heals him. Soon enough, the emperor busts in and steps in the water, emerging as a 3 headed dragon.

We're already up to the 3rd moment that makes no sense. Why would the emperor transform into a western style fire breathing dragon? Wouldn't an eastern dragon have been more apropriate? Lemme provide a couple pictures for compairison.

Chinese:

Western:

So why would he go as a Western instead of a Chinese dragon? Fuck it, I don't care. Let's move on.

So the emperor kidnaps Ninja Girl for no adequately explained reason (I guess he wanted the dagger, but wouldn't it be easier to just take the dagger instead of taking the girl?) and returns to raise his army.

Brendan and the gang travel to the desert just in time to watch Jet Li at work. His son does the stupidest thing posibly and breaks into the camp to rescue Ninja Girl, leaving the old woman to raise the army of the dead from under the Great Wall.

It's time for moment number 4! I don't even think there is a desert anywhere near the Great Wall, yet the entire climactic takes place there. And what's more, shouldn't the emperor's army be inside the wall? Continuity errors are all over the place here.

Isn't it odd how one thing strings into another? It's already time for no-sense moment number 5! Everyone is constantly saying that the emperor's army must not be allowed to succeed or all will be lost. But seriously, this makes no sense! The emperor's army is made out of clay, and a single pistol shot will take one down! Plus, it only numbers about 2,000 to 10,000, depending on which shot you're looking at. That would be incredibly easy for even the smallest millitary in the world to defeat, much less China.

So the climactic battle is on, as the dead are fighting the dead! And here's where the idiocy really starts ramping up. Moment number 6 is huge. The emperor is supposed to have control over all elements, yet he only fights with a sword. He even gets into a battle with the old woman and fights her sword to sword. He has control over metal, for christ's sake! He could have turned it around and shoved it into her heart! Plus, he never seems to really help his troops all that much.

Right about now, I'm drooling on the floor from the mass amounts of stupid being shoved down my throat, so I don't remember much. But I certainally remember one of the stupidest moments of all, moment number 7!

Alright, so backup in the battle comes in the form of a B-17 or similar. The gunner (Who is Brendan's brother from the first two movies, but I couldn't give a shit right now) drops a bomb that lands on a Jeep being driven by the general. But later, he attacks Ninja Girl and Brendan's wife. What the fuck!? The Jeep clearly explodes into a flaming ball of nothingness, but yet the general manages to escape with only minor facial burns! Oh my god, I'm getting retarted just thinking about it.

Lemme wrap this up before I forget how to type. Brendan kills Jet Li and saves that day. Woo-ho. As a quick side note, why did Jet Li get top billing, anyway? He's only in the movie for like, 20 minutes. The rest of the time, he's in his clay/molten rock form. And the movie gets in one final joke as Brendan's brother says that he'll be going to Peru, along with the caption: "Soon after, many mummies were found in Peru." The only part of this movie that was actually brilliant was the ending line. Hoo-rah.

To sum it up, TOTDE is the worst of the mummy films. It's at least on par with Journey, which I have to imagine Brendan was filming at the same time to not know what kind of crap he was working with. I would never spend 40 bucks on this monstrosity, EVER!

It gets a 6 out of 10. An unforgettable experience, at least if you count mental scarring unforgettable.

Review of The Dark Knight (Finally...)

Yep, I finally managed to beat, stab and maul my way into the theater to catch The Dark Knight at around 3:00. First things first; I didn't see it IMAX. Our theater is not equipped to run 3d simulations, and personally, I don't think it would make much of a difference. 3d will not make a shit movie better, or a terrific movie even more terrific. With that said, let's get onto the review.

The movie starts out... you know what? I can't seem to remember how the movie started. Well, I know there was a bank heist my some men in clown masks, but after that I just lost track of whatever was happening. The first 15 or 30 minutes are pretty damn boring. After the Joker comes in though, things get a move on a little quicker.

The J man intimidates a bunch of criminals into financing him to kill the Batman. Later he makes a video telling the city that he will kill a bunch of people unless the Batman takes off his mask and turns himself in. And that's how the movie continues.

I'm not going to try to deny that Heath Ledger's death played a big part in promoting this movie. Not that the viral-marketing at last year's Comic-Con didn't do anything, either. But this movie was hyped on beyond belief. Way too much, if you ask me. Iron Man was announced, a trailer was shown and people got excited. That was it. Dark Knight led people all around San Deigo to find the date of release and a picture of the Joker. So I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this didn't fill a lot of people's expectations, simply because their expectations were too fucking high!

Anyway, on to individual segments of the movie. The acting by Christian Bale was very good, but I really didn't like his constant growling at criminals and stuff like that. If he's trying to disguise his voice, that's fair enough, I suppose. It still got on my nerves though. Most of the rest of the characters were solid actors, but the actor who really stole the show was Heath Ledger, and I got to say that he really did a fantastic job as the Joker. I don't think many people could have pulled off this psychopath easily. The makeup was especially good; I don't know who came up for the more grungy looking Joker, but whoever he is, he's a frigging genius. He seriously creeped me out, and I just might go as him for Halloween this year. Two-Face/Harvey Dent was also freaky, seeing as he had the entire left side of his face practically burnt off. Though it would have been a bit better to give him a split personality, like in the comics.

The actions scenes were very good and varied. Maybe it's because I was sitting right in front of the screen (unlike I normally do), but the editing seemed too fast-paced for me to follow very well. Still, every explosion in the book is in here, and weather you like your action on a train, on a plane, or in a high-speed car chase, it's all in here.

The plot is one of the only parts where this movie slumps a bit. It goes a little something like this: Joker threatens city, Batman tries to stop him, fails, Joker blows something up, and a new plotline opens. Repeat as necessary. The new plotlines are usually varied and unique, but it does slow down the movie a bit in between action sequences and long bouts of dialogue.

Another complaint I have is that the Joker just seems invincible. He intimidates the mob, stabs a guy through the eye with a pencil (Eraser side, by the way), escapes from the prison way too easy and takes enough cracks to the head to knock Rocky on his ass. The focus on the movie is how he manages to intimidate a city to the point of anarchy in the streets while wearing clown makeup. He also changes Harvey Dent's mind a bit too quickly.

But overall, for all of my incredibly small nitpicks and gripes, this was a terrific movie. Hell, you don't even need to know who Batman is to enjoy this movie. Great acting, action scenes, and one certified badass as the main villian make this a must-see.

I give it a 10 out of 10. It's going to be nigh on impossible for them to top this one with a sequel.

Hentai and comics forever,
Kyouger.

Review of Journey to the Center of the Earth

Yes, I'm not dead. Yes, I apologize for not posting anything but movie reviews and no new chapters for a few weeks. I don't know, but I just seem to have lost the flair and excitement that I had while writing during the off seasons.

So yeah. A little backstory before we begin. I wasn't extremely excited to see this movie, but with my brother's birthday coming up, we thought it only fair that we go see it before The Dark Knight puts a bat-boot up its ass and kicks it out of the theaters. I would have much rather have gone to see Hellboy 2, but oh well. We can't have everything.

The movie starts out with a kid named Sean coming to his uncle Trevor's house to stay the week or something for some reason. Sean brings a box filled with things that belonged to his father, along with a copy of Jules Verne's Journey to the Center of the Earth, which is full of markings his father made. They find out that one of his father's seismic probes has gone off in Iceland, so they set off to find what set it off. (No pun intended.)

While there they meet a mountain guide named Hannah who guides them to the probe. When they get there, a storm pops up and they're forced to dive into a cave which subsequently collapses shut, trapping them. They try to get out by going deeper in the cave when it turns out that blah blah blah, yeah we've all been here before.

I gotta say, this movie was a very big dissapointment. I don't even know where to begin.

First off, I'm not exactly sure who the target audience for this movie was supposed to be. In the trailer, it shows itself off as a new kind of Jurassic Park, with lots of action and T-rex fights, but it also tries to appeal to the scientific community as well with bits and pieces of useles knowlege thrown in for dramatic effect. It fails on both accounts.

It does have a couple of decent action scenes, but they're usually ten or fifteen minutes of downtime until another one starts. And as for the scientific factor... dear god, this movie failed.

I am a scientifically designed individual. This doesn't mean that I'm such a Darwin thumping indiviual that I'm not able to accept new theories. So for the moment, let's just say that a hollow pocket in the center of the earth is possible and by some freak anomoly is able to support life. So what do we get from about 100 million years of creatures evolving down here? A few overgrown venus fly traps, some overgrown pirhanas, some overgrown mushrooms, a single regular sized T-rex, and a few Loch Ness Monsters thrown in for good measure. One mark for lack of originality.

If you take a look back at how things have evolved in the past 40 million years, we should have a hell of a lot more original things for a hundred million years worth of evolution. So, another mark for lack of creativity and empty-headedness.

Let's compare this to a much better alternate-reality movie, Peter Jackson's King Kong. Both of these movies are fairly tied for improbablity, but King Kong pulls it off so much better, plain and simple. KK has many more original examples of how the things on the island evolved, even though it doesn't go into as much detail. A couple of V-rexes (Yes, they are different enough visually to warrant a change of name), a giant ape and a few hundred giant bats are much more believable than a single T-rex and a few plesiosaurs.

Plus, much of the science in this movie doens't even make any sense. There is this one part where the kid has to traverse a stepping stones of magnetic rocks. Magnetic rocks? Um, yeah... no, no, that's fine. We can roll with it. What's more, once he's on the other side, the compass continues to point towards where he wants to go, and not back from where the magnetic rocks are. For all the non-scientists that don't know how what I'm talking about, believe me when I say that this makes NO FUCKING SENSE! If it was just another cheesy action flick, I could forgive this, but this is a movie that actually tries to be scientific, and FAILS at it. A final mark against it for lack of scientific clarity.

If this movie were a little bit more clear as to who it was aimed at, it might actually have saved a little bit of face. As it is now, it's just a way to cash in on people looking for a scientific movie with some decent action.

Final verdict: 6/10. Not worth the 6 dollars. Take my word for it.

I would post some more, but it's getting really late and I'm tired. And don't worry, I'll most likely review Dark Knight on the day or the day after it comes out.

Hentai forever,
Kyouger.

Review of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

'Ello, G'uvner. It's not often I make two posts in a day; in fact, I've never done it at all. And if I do happen to do this strange thing, it usually means that I have something important to say. And I most certainly do in this case.



When Sweeney Todd came out in the theater, I'll admit that I wasn't too excited about it. I've never been a huge fan of musicals, what with the debacle that was High School Musical, so I failed to see it. But now reveling in the online world of Xbox Live, I happened to discover that it was available to rent for a mere 300 or so Microsoft points. That's about the equivalent of four dollars, easily rentable. And as time had passed, I had begun to hear very good things about the movie and decided to give it a whirl.

As I went in, pretty much all I knew was that there was this barber who kills people and has an oddly attractive assistant who helps him do... something. And he has a really cool chair that people slide down into a bottomless pit of death. But that's pretty much all I knew. Oh, and that Tim Burton directed it and Johnny Depp acted in it. First film that came to mind when I thought of the two (And pale-faced Johhny Depp) was Edward Scissorhands, a film I also enjoyed immensely. And how can anyone say that they've not seen or at least seen parts of A Nightmare Before Christmas?

Even as the opening credits started, I was aware that this was going to be a very bloody film. I'll make a note of this right now so I don't have to later. The R rating is there for a reason. Don't expect them to skimp on the blood in favor of harsh language or something like that. The worst thing I heard for sure was shit, and Mrs. Lovett may have said either 'bugger' or 'fucker,' I'm not exactly sure which. Again, if you have a younger sibling, don't let them see this movie. It's got more blood than a Jason flick, though it is few and far between, and the subject matter that it deals with is extremely dark.

Well, I'm four paragraphs in and I haven't even started about the plot yet. After the credits, Todd gets off a boat in jolly old early 1800s London and remembers the loss of his wife and daughter to an extremely cruel judge named Turpin (Played by Severas Snape! That was really cool to see), who banished him from the city so he could bang Todd's wife. After wandering the city for a short time, he comes back to his old shop, which is now owned by a downtrodden young women named Mrs. Lovett (Who I find very attracted to for a strange reason. Maybe it's the pale face, maybe it's the elegant dress which exposes half of her breasts) who makes meat pies. She relates to him that his wife is dead and Judge Turpin has his daughter locked away. Todd sets out to find her.

Later, he bests a ridiculous frenchman in a shaving contest who later comes to his shop to do... crap. I think that's about all I can do without giving away the major plot of the movie. Basically, I can tell you that Sweeney decides that everyone deserves to die and opens up shop while also opening peoples' throats.

As I walked away from the movie, I got about fifteen steps before I had to sit down and compose myself. The entire film was a dramatic thrill ride from start to finish. I was kept at the edge of my seat for so long, I failed to go to the bathroom once during the easily pauseable movie and relieve myself of the 24 ounce Pespi that I had consumed halfway through it.

I really don't know how to feel about Sweeney himself. Part of me thinks that he's simply a murdering psychopath, and part of me thinks he's a misguided soul whose heart was broken and simply needs revenge to complete his life. Perhaps this is why I felt such a connection to him as a character. All I'm saying is that you might not see me as an Akatsuki the next few cons I go to. A bit of hair dye, a bit of face paint, a barber's shirt..

Now I knew this was a musical, and since the captions failed to work that night, I probably missed half of the singing lines. Now this may or may not be a big issue to some people. For me, it wasn't much of a problem. More of an annoyance than anything. But I will say that about 85 percent of the dialogue is singing, and the rest is spoken. If this annoys you, remember that this is a musical, albeit the most dramatic and bloody musical outside of Shakespeare that I've ever seen and probably ever will.

The ending in particular was really profound and deserves mentioning. I've never been so deeply moved in a movie since I was 5 and Mufasa died. I really didn't want it to happen, and I'll be thinking about this for quite a while yet. Maybe even a story could come out of it; I don't know.

I really can't praise Johnny Depp and Tim Burton enough coming together to form a tremendous tag-team acting/directing duo the likes of which I've never seen. I really can't praise this movie enough. The acting was impeccable, the drama made me want to cry (Which is something I've never done in a movie, EVER), there was plenty of blood, and there were even a couple of funny parts, though you have to be in the mood for them to really laugh. I mean, come on. How many musicals have songs about cannibalism? Zero many, that's how many, man.

In summation, Sweeney Todd was a masterpiece of cinema. Well... Alright, it does have its problems relating to the mainstream audience. It's a musical that's not for kids. This will probably make peoples' heads explode, as these two things have always gone hand in hand together. So, it's not for everyone. If you're a gushing romantic, don't see this movie, because there will be more things than hearts bleeding in this movie. If you're a Ritalin pumping Rambo fan who can't go more than 10 seconds without seeing someone killed, don't see this movie. If you're both of these and need a true masterpiece to complete the triangle of insanity, then you have to see this film.

I'll give it 10 out of 10. I'll cherish this movie even as I grow old and gray. There's no doubt about that.

I'll end this review with a quote from Sweeney himself.
"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit,
and it's filled with people who are filled with shit.
And the vermin of the world inhabit it.
And it goes by the name of London."

Review of Iron Man

He was turned to steel, in the great...

Oh, there you are. Well, just got back from seeing Iron Man in the local theatre. It's not really important to the blog or my life, but it was pretty cool, so I think I'll tell you about it.

By the way, this may have some spoilers in it, but I'll try to keep them to a minumum.

The movie starts out with Tony Stark's convoy being ambushed in Afganistan. Then it cuts back to how we came to this senario; Tony's character being explained and introducing the Jericho missile system, which becomes a big part of the first half of the movie. I don't see why we had to start out with his capture and then move backwards. Doesn't make much sense to me.

Anyway, Stark is then called upon to build a Jericho for an anonymous Middle-Eastern dude that looks like the bastard child of Saddam and Osama. Obviously, this does not sit well with the gazillionare, but he has a piece of shrapnel stuck in his body that his captors are stopping from reaching his heart. But living in a cave all day does tend to get boring, so he designs a magnetic chest plate pacemaker thing that keeps the metal from killing him, hops in the first Iron Man suit and escapes, blowing up the missiles that said Middle-East dude bought from him.

Back in the good old US of 'do what the fuck we say or we'll be invading your country,' Tony now has access to good old fasioned American technology, so he goes about building the next Iron Man suit, the classic gold and hot-rod red we've come to know and love. He then goes off to destroy his weapons that the terrorists have, while looking bad-ass at the same time.

First impressions were very good. I don't know Robert Downing Jr. or any of his films, but he did seem to bring the role of Tony Stark, weapons mogul with a bank account so large you'd need both hands to count the number of digits in it to life. Something I like about Tony (And about most Marvel characters in general) is that he's... well, human. This is not to say that the Thing is going to be settling down with a white picket fence any time soon, just that he has human emotions and faults. He's a womanizer, a drunk, he's extremely cocky, he's late all the time, he gambles, and he has a knack for making people feel like douchebags around him.

Unfortunetely, most of the other characters are as flat as Safira's breasts. I could probably get the same feel for their characters by watching Python, any Jason film and Scream in a marathon. They just seem to have no personality to me. I've seen it before, and it kind of gets boring looking at the same stereotypes over and over again. Bald guy with beard=bad guy. Main love interest will eventually have to choose between letting her man die and killing the villian. Though I suppose it's alright since she didn't really make out with him at the end as they fly off into the sunset. I really wish movie directors would stop using these stereotypes. span>

Regardless of the other characters' lack of personality, the movie was very good overall. A couple of the action scenes were peppered with witty, actually funny dialouge, and although I want to stab the directors eyes out with a dessert fork for not using the Black Sabbath song for more than the fucking END CREDITS, this was a very enjoyable film.

If you're too young to enjoy Indiana Jones or too old to enjoy Speed Racer, then by all means, see this movie. You'll have a blast and you'll definitely remember it. I'd reccomend it to anyone who likes superhero movies or the last Transformers movie. I'd say it was as good, if not better than Transformers, and a hell of a lot better than Superman Returns.

I give the movie a 9/10. Almost everything is great, but the flatness of the supporting characters keeps me from giving it a perfect score.